Flash Fiction: Halloween with The Fairy Godmother (A Fudged Up Fairy Tale)

The Fairy Godmother, or TFG, as her homies called her, loved Halloween. One time of year she could do anything she wanted and the dumb shits would believe it. Turn pumpkins into carriages and mice into horses. Whores into princesses. Frat boys into princes. 

This year, she had a special request; Moonie, the man on the moon, wanted to ease his loneliness with company. 

“You want an escort? A pro for a year?”

“No, no, I want her to like me.”

And put out. TFG was the original matchmaker and knew her way around men. 

“I’ll find you the perfect doll. Leave it with me.”

TFG hung up her mirror of communication and stretched. 

Now, to find the perfect vixen… 

TFG scanned her little black book. Hmm. Aurora… Ding Dong. Newly divorced from her cocky dickbrain husband. The sex tape suggested he lacked technique in bed and put his wife to sleep. Lousy Lay, the internet called him. 

On the bright side, Aurora liked to be on her back. She could sleep the year away if Moonie didn’t please her.  

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TFG arrived at Aurora’s condo and let herself in. Aurora lounged on her couch in PJs although the sun peaked outside. Her eyes were glued to the screen, hypnotised, and her hair knotted. Birds and rats netted. That’s going to take some work. 

“Aurora, darling, good news. I found you a perfect match.”

Aurora paused the idiot box and yawned. “But I’m happy to be single. It’s nice to binge Stranger Things on Netflix and not have to be nagged to get up or have to get dressed and put on a face. Plus, nothing beats my vibrator.”

“Oh honey, this prince is nearly as lazy as you and only wants a pulse.”

TFG held her breath, trying not to choke. Damn it girl, brush your teeth. Hygiene was a challenge for Aurora. Poor thing. Beautiful face and soul, but something wasn’t quite right. 

“What’s wrong with him?”

Well, if that isn’t calling the raven black…

“Nothing, he’s shy. A bit awkward. Probably a virgin. You can train him. Moonie is an old friend. He deserves the best. There is no one to impress on the moon. You can sleep any boredom away… He is a huge upgrade from your ex, Mr Cockhead, the opposite… What I am offering is a year-long holiday, all expenses paid. From this Halloween to the next.”

Aurora gasped. “A year? On the moon? I’m not that crazy. No. Please excuse me, I am falling asleep.”

TFG rolled her eyes. The girl was faking… 

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Halloween Evening…

TFG Tossed her wand in her handbag. 

“Mickey, go start up the Mustang. We’re paying Aurora a visit.”

“Didn’t she say no?”

“No, never means ‘no’ in Hollywood.”

Mickey shrugged and grabbed his keys as Cindy barged through the door. 

“Fairy Godmother —”

“Fuck off Cindy, I’m busy.”

“But I need a costume for the ball.”

“Go naked, call yourself Nudist Beach Barbie.”

“Brilliant, thanks!”

Not the sharpest eyeliner in the pack. TFG rolled her eyes and grabbed a gown from the rack. A black number with shimmering stars and a matching pointed hat. She pushed Cindy to the side and tossed her load into the back seat of her orange convertible as Micky reeved the engine of her baby. 

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At Aurora’s, TFG and Mickey found her sleeping. TFG took a potion bottle out of her bag and poured the contents down Aurora’s throat.

“What’s in that?” 

“A roofie. It works for footballers.”

The TFG handed a container with little holes to Mickey.

“For the mice in her hair.”

Mickey’s face dropped and cringed. Black pellets everywhere. 

“I’m going to run a bath. Bring her in when you’re done.”

Mickey’s screams echoed. A shit fight. The mice weren’t happy being evicted. TFG squirted an entire bottle of product into the water. The aroma masking mouse and God knows what else stench. 

Screams subsided and Mickey carried Aurora into the bathroom. 

“Did you get the mice?”

“No. The bastards refused to leave. They muttered something about being their homeland for generations. I figured we’d shower bomb them out.”

Mickey dumped Aurora in the tub. Blood dripped down his fingers. Aurora’s head submerged in the frothy water, turned the colour from clear to brown. The mice surfaced. Squealing curses. 

“Tell the mice I’ll offer them something much better.”

Mickey muttered in mice tongue and scooped the creatures out of the spoiled water. TFG pulled the plug. Time for bath two. 

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Several Hours Later…

Aurora was still unconscious but squeaky clean and smelled divine. Her hair curled to perfection and her make-up an artwork. Her teeth were no longer black and green. TFG smiled at her masterpiece. 

“I’ve still got it.”

Mickey stared at his injured fingers. 

“Come, bring Aurora, it’s time.”

TFG scooped up the box with the mice and tucked her handbag under her arm. Outside, a Jack-o’-lantern burned. TFG whipped out her wand and pointed, like a gun, at the carved pumpkin. Poof. A Jack-o’-lantern carriage awaited.

Mickey dumped the dead weight over his shoulder on the back seat. He fiddled with his belt. 

“Don’t even think about it.”

“She’d never know.”

TFG opened the lid and let the mice out. They scurried towards their mistress to protect her honour. Mickey squealed. TFG zapped the vermin family with her wand, transforming Aurora’s pets into giant bats to draw the carriage across the sky. 

Mickey adjusted his belt buckle. He climbed onto the driver’s bench and claimed the reins as TFG took a seat next to Aurora. 

“Show time.”

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The sleeping beauty awoke on the moon. Dressed up to the max. She twirled on the silvery surface, catching her reflection. 

“Am I dreaming?”

“Maybe you are my Morning Glory,” said Moonie, giving her a dashing grin. 

In the distance, Aurora’s eye caught on a Jack-o’-lantern flying in the sky. She turned her attention to Moonie and smiled. Something so familiar. They’d met thousands of times before — the man of her dreams… The fantasy man she saw every time her ex mounted her. She never asked to be kissed awake. How did The Fairy Godmother know?

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More Fudged Up Fairy Tales can be read here